Fighting Depression

Iris Palma in Tips and Advices

Jun 07, 2021 • 3 min Read

If you really insist, I will confess that I have been depressed for the past 15 years. Work and sleep were my solace in a world full of frustration and sadness. Why? I am a failure. I failed as a wife and I failed as a mother. Sucks bigtime, right?

But, you know what? I can’t probably fail as a person. This is one area where I know I have skills and confidence. I knew that God has provided me with enough talent and capabilities throughout my school years. I was not really that smart but I was properly schooled and I knew where I could excel early on. Thank you, Lord! Perhaps He knew I needed those defenses.

How was I able to survive 15 years of depression?

• I escaped. I went to a place far enough to find and heal myself, where a wide ocean separated me from the sources of my depression. While there, I worked and learned. It took me almost 10 years to find the courage to go back and face the challenges that I have set aside. I was ready.

• I wrote. The only way I could process my thoughts, my worries, my concerns, and everything about my sadness was through writing. Just like now. Every word that I wrote was a pain being yanked off my chest. Life became less difficult afterward. Everyday became manageable.

• I went to a psychiatrist. I had three hours of free psychiatric sessions as part of my company’s employee assistance program.  I shamelessly cried in front of the psychiatrist. Did it help? Yes, but it was expensive. CEFAM in Ateneo offered a less expensive option, if you wish to know.

• I took meds. There were times that only medicines could pull me off my lethargic state. I had Xanax for a few months. I floated and survived my days because of Xanax. This is not an over-the-counter medicine though.

• I went out with friends. Genuine friends take us out of to make us happy when the world is one big ball of pain and sadness. I was blessed to find a group who cared but who would not tolerate my self-pity. God bless them. I knew they had problems, but they were present when I wanted to forget my sadness.

• I read novels. Many times, I “travelled” to UK or Canada or happily flew over China and Europe on the amazing celestial dragon Temeraire’s back (the author is Naomi Novik). Yes, decent novels took me away from the ever-present melancholy.

• I prayed. When everything else failed, I prayed. Or before anything started, I prayed. Prayers changed me. My faith gave me hope.

And now?

I am still struggling to survive every day. When I prayed that He let me sleep forever, but then He woke me up the next day, then I realized that He had a task for me that day. Perhaps one day He will let me rest forever under His feet, but for the meantime, I look forward to completing His task, for His glory, today or tomorrow.

I am living one day at a time. He will get me through. He always does.